Me and my girl pick flowers by the tree, faces brushed by the breeze;
I pull up forget-me-nots, my girl plucks petals and daisy-seeds.
The stream is a satin ribbon which sweeps through the land
and we float lilacs on, pushing them along with our hands.
Me and my girl lie under the leaves, in the bliss of flower-thieves;
I pull my girl close to me, feeling her move as she breathes.
The sun is a gold firefly sedating our hearts, and I pretend
that sunset is a second dawn, giving this day to me again.
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Critiques
Please take it with a grain of salt, though as this is all personal opinion with... well... you decide how much merit it has.
For one, breeze and daisies. The rhyme's a bit... does daisies have an extra syllable? I used to be able to get syllables, but now I'm not sure enough to pinpoint it to that. Then of course, it's a beautiful image, and daisies does rhyme with breeze for the greater part. I suppose you have to balance the value of the image with the flow of the reading.
What about leaves? botanical. I guess it would require a rewriting of at least part of the second line, which is annoying because petals and daisies are such pleasant, colorful and soft words.
Plus you use leaves later. Damn. Anyway, think about that one maybe?
Also, "pushing them forward with our hands"
I would change that to "pushing them along with our hands" or something along those lines. "Forward" has a bit of a strong beginning and is a "long" word whereas "along" is softer and slightly shorter, which may create a more natural feeling and readability.
Love the rest.
4.5 for Vision: well.. yes.
5 for Originality: Cause you somehow combine contemporary youthful love with old imagery
4.5 Technique: You can tell that you've chosen your words carefully
6 for Impact: cause its dedicated to me and my heart just melted.
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